


Shopping List

by musigneus



Series: Lists [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-11
Updated: 2011-04-11
Packaged: 2017-10-17 22:28:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/181957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/musigneus/pseuds/musigneus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Severus has a little list... (Part 1/3 of the Lists series)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shopping List

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Anne Catherine](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Anne+Catherine).
  * Translation into 中文 available: [Shopping List (Chinese Translation)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1290403) by [lzqsk](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lzqsk/pseuds/lzqsk)



> Written before HPB and DH for annecatherine, who wanted to read “a fic with long, amusing lists.”

Remus leaned resignedly against the worktable. At least Severus was taking the news fairly well - his rant was already showing signs of winding down, a good minute or two earlier than Remus had expected.

"... and I cannot comprehend how Albus imagined that _you_ could assist me! This is a volatile brew, and as I recall, you were never more than passable in Potions."

"I was available," Remus replied as calmly as he could. "And I'm certain I can follow directions."

Severus glared at him, then slammed a jar onto the table in front of him. "Dice these. Finely!” he ordered and turned back to his cauldron, still muttering under his breath.

Relieved that things were going better than he had anticipated, Remus got to work, certain he was at least capable of preparing ingredients for Severus.

~*~

Two hours later, he no longer felt so confident of that as he watched a blob of shockingly pink goo slide down Severus's nose.

"Er, I..."

Remus winced as another glob of goo dripped from the ceiling, splattered on Severus's sleeve, and slipped slowly down his arm.

Severus's face was rapidly turning a rather alarming shade of puce. "You idiotic werewolf! I would have thought that any imbecile could have followed my instructions correctly, but you - you brainless excuse for a wizard - couldn't wait twenty seconds to add the powdered bile?"

Severus continued in this vein for some time before he finally stopped for breath.

"Just how many synonyms do you know for 'idiot', Severus?” Remus ventured.

Severus glared at him, but the feeble joke at least diverted him from berating Remus further.

"Forty-one. And I suspect I shall have had occasion to use them all before we finish this potion, Lupin!"

Remus began clearing away the mess. "Forty-one?"

Severus irritably banished the goo from his robes, his face, and the ceiling, and began setting out more of his precious ingredients for another try.

"Forty-one. In English. Imbecile. Cretin. Lackwit. Numskull. Dunderhead. Moron. Fool. Simpleton. Dunce. Dullard. Dolt. Jobbernowl. Nitwit. Clod. Tur-"

"All right, all right!” Remus raised his hands in surrender.

Severus turned a thin, mocking smile on him. "I hadn't even reached the more...imaginative versions yet, Lupin."

"Let us hope you have no need to!"

"Indeed.” Severus examined Remus scornfully. "I believe you would be better employed in _obtaining_ some ingredients, Lupin..."

~*~

And so Remus found himself in Diagon Alley, approaching Slug & Jiggers with a list. An excruciatingly _detailed_ list.

25 gills bundimun secretion. Fresh.  
10 minims erumpent fluid. Fresh preferred, preserved acceptable.  
50 grains powdered graphorn horn. Unadulterated.  
5 scruples dried dragon liver. Antipodean Opaleye preferred. Other acceptable.  
1 dozen jobernoll feathers. Inspect for defects, accept only perfect specimens.  
1 gallon salamander blood.  
1 gallon leech juice...

The list went on and on.

Remus sighed and stepped inside. The building smelled terrible, and the apothecary looked at Remus as if he were to blame, but he produced item after item, growing visibly more impatient as Remus insisted upon Severus's precise specifications, until Remus finally reached the last item on the list.

"One fluid dram werewolf...ah, werewolf semen."

At least it was the last damned thing, and Remus could return triumphantly bearing precisely what Severus had requested. Then he-

"Don't carry it. "

"Excuse me?"

The apothecary finished bundling the other items into a neat package. "I said, we don't carry it. Next!"

"But I-" Remus protested.

The apothecary glared at him, and firmly repeated "Next!".

The young man who had been waiting behind Remus glanced at him apologetically but stepped up and requested lionfish spines anyway.

The apothecary pretended Remus no longer existed.

Remus sighed and left the building, grateful to finally breathe air that didn't smell of old cabbage and rotten eggs. He could try the next nearest apothecary - if he could even figure out where that was - but he was carrying a fortune in potions ingredients. Delicate and unstable ingredients, some of them, as Severus had repeatedly reminded him...

With another sigh, he Apparated as close to Hogwarts as he could and began the long trek back to Severus's dungeons. He could, of course, provide the missing ingredient himself, but he couldn't imagine wanking into a vial and then having Severus inquire why _this_ one wasn't the precise amount he had requested, and why it wasn't sealed with wax bearing the Slug  & Jiggers imprint...

No, there was no way he was going to have _that_ conversation with Severus.

~*~

Remus opened the door cautiously when he reached Severus's workroom, unwilling to startle Severus and trigger another spectacular eruption. In both senses of the word.

"Well? Are you coming in or not?” Severus asked irritably.

Remus suppressed a sigh and crossed the room, setting his bundle on the table. After a cautious glance at the gently bubbling cauldron, he watched as Severus unwrapped and inspected his purchases, one by one.

"Slug & Jiggers had everything you asked for except the...er, the last item on your list," Remus said.

Severus looked up. "Surely you of all people, Lupin, could think of a way to obtain the requested substance?"

"Er..."

One corner of Severus's mouth twitched. Had it been anyone else, Remus would have thought the man was about to laugh. Instead, Severus picked up a small, empty vial and tossed it to Remus.

Remus caught it reflexively, then put it hastily down on the table. "Er, Severus, do you mean you want me to..." He had never thought of himself as a prude, but he was uncomfortably aware of the heat in his cheeks as his voice faltered uncomfortably into silence.

"Wank? Toss off? Masturbate? Have one off at the wrist? Polish your broomstick? Jerk off? Indulge in self pleasure? Pull-"

"Right," Remus yelped, face burning furiously.

One long-fingered hand indicated a small storeroom, and Severus turned his attention to dicing some kind of root into tiny uniform cubes. After a moment, he glanced up.

"Well, Lupin? Surely you know what to do. Or do you require assistance?"

Remus's body traitorously choose that moment to express its intense interest in Severus's _assistance_ , and he blushed even hotter.

Severus laid the knife down and looked at him. "Or do you just need me to _tell_ you what to do? To see if you are capable of following my precise instructions in _this_ matter, Lupin?” Severus asked, his voice pitched to a low purr.

"No!” Remus squeaked, seizing the vial and retreating to the storeroom, pursued by the uncomfortable sense that Severus was, indeed, laughing at him.

Shutting the door more firmly than necessary, he leaned against it and tried to recover his equilibrium. Really, there was nothing to be embarrassed about... Almost nothing, anyway. And even if there were, the Order needed that potion.

Resolutely, Remus uncorked the vial and opened his robes and got on with it. He hadn't been certain he'd be able to...produce the desired result when he started, but he found the thought of Severus giving him precise instructions in that _voice_ to be more helpful to the endeavor than he really cared to admit, and only a few minutes passed before he was carefully corking a full vial.

He straightened his robes, determined not to look any more ridiculous in front of Severus than he already had, and stepped out into the workroom. He put the vial carefully on the table next to the other ingredients and waited patiently until Severus finished decanting his potion into a row of bottles.

He frowned. "Is that-"

"The potion?” Severus set the now-empty cauldron down. "Yes. Completed," he said, quiet satisfaction evident in his voice.

"Excellent!” Remus said. "But..."

"But what?"

"You didn't use any of... _that_. Or of the things you sent me to buy."

"So I didn't," Severus smirked, murmuring a preservation spell over Remus's vial before carrying it toward a small cabinet.

" _Severus_ ," Remus said warningly.

"Really, Lupin. Surely you didn't expect me to pass up an opportunity to obtain a rare and expensive ingredient for free? And you were quite helpful - your shopping expedition replenished my stores for next term," Severus said in his most patronizing tones.

"Why, you- _you_ -"

"Scheming, conniving, manipulative, sneaky, underhanded, devious, guileful, cunning, Slytherin?” Severus offered.

"I was thinking more along the lines of infuriating, maddening, _obnoxious_..." Remus spluttered.

"Discovering deficiencies in your vocabulary?” Severus said slyly.

Remus burst into reluctant laughter. "Fine, Severus. You win. Although you could have just _asked_ me for my, er, contribution."

After checking their temperature, Severus sealed his row of bottles carefully before saying, "This was vastly more entertaining, Lupin. You blush like a virgin."

Remus's face promptly heated again.

Severus cast an unreadable look over his shoulder. "And besides, you make the most fascinating noises when you climax."

Remus's mouth dropped open in shocked indignation. By the time he recovered, Severus had already retreated into his office.

Shaking his head, Remus turned to leave. The day had not turned out as he had expected - and he couldn't help wondering how differently it might have ended had he accepted Severus's assistance.


End file.
